Today is looking like a much better day.
I had my SHG this morning (SonoHysterogram). I lay awake last night stressing about whether or not to tell my coodinator that I felt my privacy had been violated and that I wanted the sheet about my procedure removed from the doucments circulating the office about me. On the one hand I was really bothered by it and felt that I wanted to address it, not least of the reasons being so I didn't have to endure it today during my procedure. On the other hand today was the last procedure in that batch of requisitions and so likely the document would not be circulating after today.
I went the clinic still uncertain and checked in. After sitting down I resolved that I wanted to say something and asked to speak to the coordinator. The receptionist asked "what is this concerning" and I told her bluntly "it's concering a breach of my privacy". It felt a bit confrontational to even word it that way - but what the heck. Well it sure got me the face-to-face with the coordinator.
I started to tell her what happened and she thought at first it was simply that I took issue to some of the instructions on the requisition. However, when she figured out that the cover page complete with my whole treatment plan and diagnosis (which I was upset with my US clinic for sending to my CDN clinic in the first place) was actually circulating with my requisitions, she was concerned. I also told her that not only did they have that information but they asked me about it, made a judgement about my treatment and that it actually compromised the procedure I had done. I told her the quotes I remembered, that tech asking if I really needed to have my ovaries imaged because "you won't be using them anyway", and then when she had trouble finding them telling me "well you don't really need them". And of course the fact that she gave up even trying to find one of them at all. The coordinator was really sensitive and concerned about the issue and about my concerns, and for the first time in a long time I felt supported and cared about by this clinic. Honestly, complaining was probably the most positive experience I've had there in a while. Who would have thought? But I guess it just goes to show how concern and compassion can turn a negative customer service experience into a positive one. She was awesome, and I kind of feel warm and fuzzy towards her right now. Plus I saw her physically remove those papers from the requisitions and I have confidence the issue is resolved.
So onto the reason for the visit - the SHG. It went well. I had Dr C again who I've seen several times in the last couple years, and very nicely he said he recognized me. He's great a explaining what he's doing and why - even though it was all a three-peat experience for me. And I had the tech that is slowly becoming my favourite tech. I didn't like her the first time I had her, way back when, I found her gruff and abrupt. But since then - either because we are developing a bit of a comfort with each other or because I am simply getting used to her - I have found her a little warmer and compassionate - and eminently competant - which is really the most important thing. She has never failed to get the images we need and even when she's had trouble with that damned left ovary, she's always managed to get a good image in the end. So having her today, after yesterdays fiasco, was almost a treat.
So the result - uterus is clear and clean, fibroids are present but in no way impeding or even distorting the uterus and at least one tube is nice and clear. They gave up on old lefty again - but he thinks there's a good chance it's also clear.
So I come in to work after all this relatively positive experience and there is an e-mail from my US clinic. The coodinator there has gone through my top 5 list of donors and my #3 donor is actually waiting for a 2nd recipient on her cycle. My #1 and #2 choices are my logical choices. They bear a similarity to me, I can relate to their faces, and feel I might like them if we met. They self-rate their acedemics high, and both have a good post-secondary education. Their writing is eloquent and grammatically correct. They have a low incidence of genetic disease in their family, and no incidence of the ones I personally feel more strongly about and both are proven donors. So logcially very good choices. #3 has moved from the B list, to last place on the A list and then to #3 for completely emotional reasons.
She has 2 pictures in the donor portal, which is less than most, but in one she looks very, very much like me, and in the other I had to look long and hard to figure out whether she might actually be my cousin J. Interestingly enough when my DH looked at her pics he had the exact same reaction - except he felt that way about the opposite pics. She has self-rated her skills on the low side and has only a little bit of post-secondary education. Her genetic history looks good, but does mirror mine in some ways and she personally has exzema which is a little bit of a concern for me, but not a deal breaker. She is unproven from a donor standpoint, but she does have 2 small children of her own. She is not the absolute best logical choice, but I feel a strong emotional bond to her. And after all, when creating a baby we are not creating a carbon copy of a person. A child will come out as their own unique person regardless of the genetic traits we assume they might inherit from either parent. So even picking a strongly acedemic brainiac does not guarantee a child of like mind. And who really knows how much "nurture" or even the uterine environment plays into any gene expression.
All this to say I am very happy to select #3 and very happy she's available still. And the fact that she is matched and probably already starting to try to sync to a recipient, well that might be a time advantage for me. Sooooooooo. I contacted the donor coordinator and asked her "how do I become recipient #2 on Donors cycle".
I think this train may have just started it's engine. So after good results from my crappy scan yesterday and good news today at the clinic, I am suddenly looking at more good news and possibly a nice quick start to this process.
I'm not sure we have ever received numerous pieces of good news in a row. And I feel almost giddy because of it. I hope this trend continues, and I hope this means we are finally on the right track to create this family we want so much. I could be mere weeks away from being pregnant!
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
My problem with my treatment
I guess the fact is I am not completely comfortable with donor egg treatment. I am not comfortable admitting to myself - much less the world - that my eggs suck and I, as a woman, am completely incapable of conception and reproduction. Because that's what it comes down to. Yes, there are treatments and technologies available to me that will allow me to experience the joys of pregnancy, birth, and Motherhood. But I myself, will never achieve conception. I myself, will never reproduce. Yes, I will bear children, but if I have the basic root of the word 'reproduction' correct, it implies a copy of oneself in some form. Human reproduction of course is less of a clone and more of a mix of two - but I will only carry that mix, I will not be part of that mix. And I think that is something I am not at all comfortable with.
I have resigned myself to it. Over the summer I started to realize that I am unlikely to ever conceive with my own eggs, and yet I also realized that we really, really want a child in our life. This forced me to consider donor eggs, because it will still give me the joys (and suffering) of pregnancy and birth, despite my own shortcomings. But as much as the logical side of me can see the obvious facts, the physchology is far behind. I have not yet embraced it as an equal path to Motherhood. It feels like personal failure. Donor egg feels like being forced to admit that my own genetic material is not up to the job of procreation and it forces me to go begging another woman to provide her superior eggs to allow me to create my family.
It's a hard blow, one I'm not 100% comfortable with. And yet, knowing the need, I am not going to wait. It may be years - if ever- that I finally reconcile those feelings and at my age I am more than ready to get this Motherhood thing moving. I also think that having a baby growing in my belly will go a long way to making me feel better about how I got that way. Being able to fixate on the life my body is creating, instead of the emptiness my body has created so far will help those failure feelings along. There are so many more things a woman can be proud of as she brings a new life into the world, that conception becomes one of the smallest steps. Whereas with it looming before us like a giant insurmountable wall, it currently seems like the largest of steps.
I need help with that step, but hopefully once things are off and running my body will be able to manage the other steps itself. As far as we know my uterus is still in good shape, and able to support a growing pregnancy. My body may leave a few things to be desired, but I feel that it will be capable or nurturing and carrying our children. And though I have some serious concerns about the large fibroid I have and it's impact on the final stages of pregnancy and birth - well I'm willing to say that I'll give it my best shot and cross my fingers that I'm good enough. Though I am trying to be prepared for that bit to get a bit hairy in the end. I will try to set my goals higher than merely the survival of mother and baby, though certainly if we pull that much off at least I will be grateful for it.
So I guess the fact that I feel donor eggs is an admission of personal inadequacy causes me to feel upset when people mention my treatment to me. When a random technician - say for example - asks me if I'm doing donor eggs, I hear it as "are you an incompetant human being" and I get offended by the question. A fertility clinic deals with women everday who are having trouble conceiving, and I think to some degree many of those women have the same concerns and self-doubts regarding their lack of fertility. But the mere fact that they are still at the clinic means they still expect to eventually succeed. Whereas for me, my treatment means I know - as does everyone around me - that I will NEVER succeed. I will only experience success if I completely change the game and the rules and play something else entirely. If I enlist the help of a "champion" then perhaps then, my cause will succeed - but only if I remove myself from it - because I am the thing that is holding back success. Remove me, remove failure.
And wow - that sucks.
I have resigned myself to it. Over the summer I started to realize that I am unlikely to ever conceive with my own eggs, and yet I also realized that we really, really want a child in our life. This forced me to consider donor eggs, because it will still give me the joys (and suffering) of pregnancy and birth, despite my own shortcomings. But as much as the logical side of me can see the obvious facts, the physchology is far behind. I have not yet embraced it as an equal path to Motherhood. It feels like personal failure. Donor egg feels like being forced to admit that my own genetic material is not up to the job of procreation and it forces me to go begging another woman to provide her superior eggs to allow me to create my family.
It's a hard blow, one I'm not 100% comfortable with. And yet, knowing the need, I am not going to wait. It may be years - if ever- that I finally reconcile those feelings and at my age I am more than ready to get this Motherhood thing moving. I also think that having a baby growing in my belly will go a long way to making me feel better about how I got that way. Being able to fixate on the life my body is creating, instead of the emptiness my body has created so far will help those failure feelings along. There are so many more things a woman can be proud of as she brings a new life into the world, that conception becomes one of the smallest steps. Whereas with it looming before us like a giant insurmountable wall, it currently seems like the largest of steps.
I need help with that step, but hopefully once things are off and running my body will be able to manage the other steps itself. As far as we know my uterus is still in good shape, and able to support a growing pregnancy. My body may leave a few things to be desired, but I feel that it will be capable or nurturing and carrying our children. And though I have some serious concerns about the large fibroid I have and it's impact on the final stages of pregnancy and birth - well I'm willing to say that I'll give it my best shot and cross my fingers that I'm good enough. Though I am trying to be prepared for that bit to get a bit hairy in the end. I will try to set my goals higher than merely the survival of mother and baby, though certainly if we pull that much off at least I will be grateful for it.
So I guess the fact that I feel donor eggs is an admission of personal inadequacy causes me to feel upset when people mention my treatment to me. When a random technician - say for example - asks me if I'm doing donor eggs, I hear it as "are you an incompetant human being" and I get offended by the question. A fertility clinic deals with women everday who are having trouble conceiving, and I think to some degree many of those women have the same concerns and self-doubts regarding their lack of fertility. But the mere fact that they are still at the clinic means they still expect to eventually succeed. Whereas for me, my treatment means I know - as does everyone around me - that I will NEVER succeed. I will only experience success if I completely change the game and the rules and play something else entirely. If I enlist the help of a "champion" then perhaps then, my cause will succeed - but only if I remove myself from it - because I am the thing that is holding back success. Remove me, remove failure.
And wow - that sucks.
Another day, another ultrasound
Today was my first monitoring ultrasound for my mock cycle. Hopefully also my last ultrasound for my monitoring cycle. It was awful, just awful. To be clear, I have been through this monitoring process many times. I have had IUIs and IVFs and just plain old every day monitored cycles. I have seen the grainy, black and white depiction of the inside of my lady bits probably close to 100 times now. I've even seen it in colour a couple times - not living colour mind you but that arterial/venal blood flow colour thing they use.
Anyway point being this is not my first time at the ultrasound rodeo. And I can say with absolute certainty that the asshats doing my ultrasound today did a crappy job and probably bungled my results. My first techincian was an intern. I guess this is a Dr in training who gets assigned to the u/s lab for a bit to gain valuable experience in reading and interpreting ultrasound images. This is wonderful - except it means that as an ultrasound technician they lack that valuable experience while working on me. So not being able to find anything - including not being entirely sure she was even looking at my uterus. She called in a more "experienced" tech. Now the 2nd tech sure seemed to take charge, but whether she was any better is a topic I would hotly debate.
She seemed to find my uterus without too much trouble - score one for experience - but my lining measurements went anywhere from 6.6 to 11.4. Most seemed to fall in the 8.8 to 10.4 range but there were definitly some outliers there. At one point they asked me what my clinic was hoping to see and I almost had the feeling they would just go with that number. Ridiculous. So much for a basis in fact. I don't know what info they will relay, but honestly I'm left not completely sure myself what kind of lining I've got.
And ovaries - well that was really the fun part. First they asked me if I even "needed" them. If we were going to "use" them. Yes, I believe my file probably said something about "donor egg" because they asked me some odd questions. So there I lay, half naked, with a probe inside me having to justify the fact that my clinic probably wanted a follicle count of some sort. I don't know for sure what my clinic wants, honestly, but I suspect that they may be interested to know that my ovaries are quiet. I suppose there's a decent chance it doesn't matter what my ovaries are doing, but I have found that Drs tend to want your ovaries to be quiet and inactive when they are not actively seeking eggs. Ovarian activity can bring it's own hormonal fluctuations and they probably don't want surprise hormones running around during my actual donor cycle. Even though we aren't going to be using my eggs, it's likely still significant if I have a dominant follicle or am about to ovulate through my estrogen meds. Yes we probably want to see "no acitivty" but that's not the same as "don't bother checking". Besides which I am out of pocket cash for all of this and I paid for it - dammit. And of course should my clinic feel this information is absolutely essential - well I'd be paying to have a 2nd u/s to get a look at what they didn't bother with the first time.
Anyway all that to say they tried to find my ovaries. My right, I think they found, not without effort and poking and shoving and making me hold my breathe, but I have some confidence they found it. I saw 3 follicles. First they recorded a CL cyst. I felt there was no evidence of a CL cyst, and that it was too small to practically be one. In the end apparently they came to the same conclusion because they recorded 2 follicles in the 9-10mm range, whatever, they all seemed small - good enough. My left ovary - totally different story there. I never saw it on screen at all, and I don't think they did either. I don't know if they were in the wrong place, I thought I saw it for a while at the top of the screen but they either didn't agree or didn't notice because they eventually gave up trying to find it. So, no left ovary. Sadly this is the ovary I generally ovulate from. But given the size of the follicles on the right ovary I would say that it's unlikely I would have had a dominant follicle, or a corpus leuteum on the left ovary. But it would have been a big boost to my confidence in my u/s team if they had at least found the damn thing!
At the beginning of the visit I had the tech (Dr) ask me if I'd had an embryo transfer before. This shortly after she asked if I was doing donor egg - and I said "why would you ask me that". I guess she switched gears? Not sure. But I don't quite see the point of the question or even get what she is asking? Have I had an embryo transfer before? So I'm supposed to get into my entire medical history with her? "Well, you see, we have attempted IVF twice before, however since I am a poor responder we opted for a natural cycle. The first time I had 3 follicles, but one turned out to be a cyst, and the other two did not release their eggs. The 2nd time I had a nice mature follicle so we got an egg, but sadly it was completely abnormal and so despite the fact that they asked my excited husband to go cum in a cup we were devestated to learn that the egg was so abnormal that fertilization was going to be impossble. So you see Ms Technician, though we have amply experienced the heartbreak and disappointment of IVF, we have yet to have anything resembling an embryo to transfer. Does than answer your question?" Or perhaps she was just wondering if we've already failed a donor cycle in the past. In any event, I found the question invasive and offensive. LOLOLOLOL "Invasive". As I lie there in front of her, with my butt on the edge of the table and her giant probe shoved into my personal business I suddenly find her questions invasive. Ahhh the way infertility changes us. A giant probe in my vagina - not invasive - a question about the state of my treatments - invasive.
Anyway point being this is not my first time at the ultrasound rodeo. And I can say with absolute certainty that the asshats doing my ultrasound today did a crappy job and probably bungled my results. My first techincian was an intern. I guess this is a Dr in training who gets assigned to the u/s lab for a bit to gain valuable experience in reading and interpreting ultrasound images. This is wonderful - except it means that as an ultrasound technician they lack that valuable experience while working on me. So not being able to find anything - including not being entirely sure she was even looking at my uterus. She called in a more "experienced" tech. Now the 2nd tech sure seemed to take charge, but whether she was any better is a topic I would hotly debate.
She seemed to find my uterus without too much trouble - score one for experience - but my lining measurements went anywhere from 6.6 to 11.4. Most seemed to fall in the 8.8 to 10.4 range but there were definitly some outliers there. At one point they asked me what my clinic was hoping to see and I almost had the feeling they would just go with that number. Ridiculous. So much for a basis in fact. I don't know what info they will relay, but honestly I'm left not completely sure myself what kind of lining I've got.
And ovaries - well that was really the fun part. First they asked me if I even "needed" them. If we were going to "use" them. Yes, I believe my file probably said something about "donor egg" because they asked me some odd questions. So there I lay, half naked, with a probe inside me having to justify the fact that my clinic probably wanted a follicle count of some sort. I don't know for sure what my clinic wants, honestly, but I suspect that they may be interested to know that my ovaries are quiet. I suppose there's a decent chance it doesn't matter what my ovaries are doing, but I have found that Drs tend to want your ovaries to be quiet and inactive when they are not actively seeking eggs. Ovarian activity can bring it's own hormonal fluctuations and they probably don't want surprise hormones running around during my actual donor cycle. Even though we aren't going to be using my eggs, it's likely still significant if I have a dominant follicle or am about to ovulate through my estrogen meds. Yes we probably want to see "no acitivty" but that's not the same as "don't bother checking". Besides which I am out of pocket cash for all of this and I paid for it - dammit. And of course should my clinic feel this information is absolutely essential - well I'd be paying to have a 2nd u/s to get a look at what they didn't bother with the first time.
Anyway all that to say they tried to find my ovaries. My right, I think they found, not without effort and poking and shoving and making me hold my breathe, but I have some confidence they found it. I saw 3 follicles. First they recorded a CL cyst. I felt there was no evidence of a CL cyst, and that it was too small to practically be one. In the end apparently they came to the same conclusion because they recorded 2 follicles in the 9-10mm range, whatever, they all seemed small - good enough. My left ovary - totally different story there. I never saw it on screen at all, and I don't think they did either. I don't know if they were in the wrong place, I thought I saw it for a while at the top of the screen but they either didn't agree or didn't notice because they eventually gave up trying to find it. So, no left ovary. Sadly this is the ovary I generally ovulate from. But given the size of the follicles on the right ovary I would say that it's unlikely I would have had a dominant follicle, or a corpus leuteum on the left ovary. But it would have been a big boost to my confidence in my u/s team if they had at least found the damn thing!
At the beginning of the visit I had the tech (Dr) ask me if I'd had an embryo transfer before. This shortly after she asked if I was doing donor egg - and I said "why would you ask me that". I guess she switched gears? Not sure. But I don't quite see the point of the question or even get what she is asking? Have I had an embryo transfer before? So I'm supposed to get into my entire medical history with her? "Well, you see, we have attempted IVF twice before, however since I am a poor responder we opted for a natural cycle. The first time I had 3 follicles, but one turned out to be a cyst, and the other two did not release their eggs. The 2nd time I had a nice mature follicle so we got an egg, but sadly it was completely abnormal and so despite the fact that they asked my excited husband to go cum in a cup we were devestated to learn that the egg was so abnormal that fertilization was going to be impossble. So you see Ms Technician, though we have amply experienced the heartbreak and disappointment of IVF, we have yet to have anything resembling an embryo to transfer. Does than answer your question?" Or perhaps she was just wondering if we've already failed a donor cycle in the past. In any event, I found the question invasive and offensive. LOLOLOLOL "Invasive". As I lie there in front of her, with my butt on the edge of the table and her giant probe shoved into my personal business I suddenly find her questions invasive. Ahhh the way infertility changes us. A giant probe in my vagina - not invasive - a question about the state of my treatments - invasive.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
A new path - Donor Eggs
It's been a while since I've posted. My last posts said something about me being so much more than my infertility.
Well it turns out I was just blowing smoke up your ass. I am so much defined by my infertility these days. It's really allI think about and my only obsession seems to be getting pregnant.
So I'm going back to talk about that again.
Hubs and I decided to resign ourselves to being child-free (or childless for those of us who are forced into it). We thought we were doing okay with the decision we really did.
Meanwhile in the real world - DH was having panic attacks daily at work. He was blowing up at people and generally not coping well. He has been off his Paxil since just before we started TTC, and he'd been doing reasonably well with his Naturopath prescribed supplements. Suddenly they weren't doing the job anymore and he needed something more phamaceutical. So back on meds (albeit ones with less side-effects) he goes.
And in my world, I'm walking aroudn feeling that my life is over, I have no meaning to my life, nothing at all to look forward to. The only thing I can get the least excited about is retirement and some fantasy that I will find fullfillment in travelling the world in my golden years.
And then it hits me!
We are NOT okay! Not by a long shot. Sure we decided that my eggs were total crap and that no amount of IVFs was likely to ever give us the children we wanted, and sure the logical thing to do then is give up. So being (mostly) logical people that's just what we did. We resigned ourselves to the child-free life of relaxation, financial security, and leisure time. But that thought brought with it darkness and hopelessness
So if we are having that much trouble with this decision then logically I have to think this is not the right decision for us. There is no way that in life when you are on the right path, that you feel the way we felt. Despondant, depressed, and completely without hope.
And so it was in those moments that I decided we needed another option. And the option that I was not previously prepared to accept suddenly became a shining beacon of hope.
We have decided to persue donor eggs.
I will be giving up my genetics. And that is really hard for me. No doubt there will be many future posts about just how hard this is for me. But it's not as if we are deciding between having a genetic child and having a donor child, we are deciding between having a child and not having a child. And we choose to have a child.
Well, this decision was made about a month ago, and it was not easy, and I think it will conitnue to not be easy for me. But we are now taking steps down that road.
We have found a quasi-local clinic that had a donor egg program that we can afford. And sometime this weekend I will begin to prepare my body.
I should get AF by Sunday and on that day I begin to take estrogen pills. These pills will essentially suppress my own follicles - much like the Estrogen Priming cycle did - but at the same time the doeage will be calibrated to create a nice thick, plush, lining in my uterus.
This is my mock cycle. This is a similar process to what I will go through on my donor cycle and it's so that the Drs can see how I respond to the meds and what the exact correct dose is to make a nice, safe, warm bed for my future baby to implant.
If all goes well with my mock cycle - I have my fingers crossed - then we can select our donor and begin to sync our cycles. I had a Top 5 list of donors I selected and 1 of them was and is still is available. Meaning she is not currently cycling with someone else. So assuming she's willing to go ahead it will just be a case of waiting for her period and then starting her stims. I will most likely be put on Birth control pills while we wait for her to cycle - and then my period will be induced around the time of hers so that we are then in the same stage of our cycles for the donation.
In essence what will happen is that she will go through the first half of the IVF process and I will go through the second half. She will be stimmed, and monitored, and when her follicles are mature she will be triggered and go for egg retirieval. Then it's my turn. DH's sperm will be injected directly into the donated eggs, and if we get fertilization, the resulting embryos will be grown for several days in the lab. Assuming they grow and survive those first few critical days, we will have 1 of them transferred into me.
I believe we will be opting for whas is called an eSET - which stands for elective Single Embryo Transfer. Meaning no matter how many embryos grow we will probably only transfer 1 this time. Any other embryos will be frozen using a technique called vitrification and we will either try again should this fail - or try for a sibling down the road.
I have 4 fibroids, and 1 of them is 8cm. I am somewhat lucky in that it's in a good place and out of the way, but also unlucky since it's actually part of my uterine wall. There is no way to remove it without serious risk to my uterus and potentially ending any chance at fertility I might ever have. So I am stuck with it until I am done with my uterus. And quite honestly I don't see that happening without some pretty dire circumstances being attached to it - I'm kind of fond of my uterus afterall.
Anyway, the point is that I am already carrying the equivalent of a 12 week pregnancy around in my uterus. And my drs advised me during my last (ill-fated) pregnancy that I will always measure 3 months ahead in any pregnancy. I laughed and said "Even at 9 months" - He didn't laugh and said "Yes".
So I may find even a singleton to be difficult to carry and it may even be that it delivers prematurely either through natural means or through some kind of emergency c-section. Of course I hope not, but since most women don't go to 12months pregnant I'm not sure what my body will do when I get to that stage. So the idea of carrying twins is just not something I'm comfortable with. Since twins have trouble enough making it to full-term this would be almost like carrying triplets - Baby A - Baby B - and Baby F. And although I don't have a philisophical problem with abortion I can't imagine having to make that decision after we've worked so hard to create these babies. Selective reduction brings with it the risk of losing both babies, and of course how do you decide to terminate one when you know your heart truly wants and already loves them both. There's just no way I want to put myself, or my Husband through that. And so we will be choosing to transfer one only. If we end up with twins through a natural split, then so be it, and I will do my best to carry them both, but if we have the choice we will not do that to ourselves.
So - the chances of success with an eSET are a little lower - and that's why so many people transfer 2 or even 3. After so much work and expense and heartache you really REALLY want this to work. For us the cons outweigh the plusses though. And in that way perhaps my decision is easier than many others. I almost feel like I don't have a choice.
Anyway, dark thoughts aside, Donor Eggs flips our dismal chances on their head. Where I once had a 5% chance of success, I know have a 50% chance of success (each cycle!). Where I once had a 50% chance of miscarriange, Inow have the same 10-15% chance that everyone faces.
I feel for the first time in almost 2 years that we WILL be parents. I even feel the unborn soul of my child searching or waiting and have the feeling that this one will be a girl.
I have been pregnant twice before and felt that both were boys. Neither pregnancy lasted long enough to know the gender, but in my heart I felt they were boys. This one has not even been conceived yet but in my heart I know it will be a girl. The feeling came to me about the same time we actually started walking this path and I trust these feeling when I get them.
I will get pregnant and I will have a daughter, and those thoughts fill me with hope and excitement.
Well it turns out I was just blowing smoke up your ass. I am so much defined by my infertility these days. It's really allI think about and my only obsession seems to be getting pregnant.
So I'm going back to talk about that again.
Hubs and I decided to resign ourselves to being child-free (or childless for those of us who are forced into it). We thought we were doing okay with the decision we really did.
Meanwhile in the real world - DH was having panic attacks daily at work. He was blowing up at people and generally not coping well. He has been off his Paxil since just before we started TTC, and he'd been doing reasonably well with his Naturopath prescribed supplements. Suddenly they weren't doing the job anymore and he needed something more phamaceutical. So back on meds (albeit ones with less side-effects) he goes.
And in my world, I'm walking aroudn feeling that my life is over, I have no meaning to my life, nothing at all to look forward to. The only thing I can get the least excited about is retirement and some fantasy that I will find fullfillment in travelling the world in my golden years.
And then it hits me!
We are NOT okay! Not by a long shot. Sure we decided that my eggs were total crap and that no amount of IVFs was likely to ever give us the children we wanted, and sure the logical thing to do then is give up. So being (mostly) logical people that's just what we did. We resigned ourselves to the child-free life of relaxation, financial security, and leisure time. But that thought brought with it darkness and hopelessness
So if we are having that much trouble with this decision then logically I have to think this is not the right decision for us. There is no way that in life when you are on the right path, that you feel the way we felt. Despondant, depressed, and completely without hope.
And so it was in those moments that I decided we needed another option. And the option that I was not previously prepared to accept suddenly became a shining beacon of hope.
We have decided to persue donor eggs.
I will be giving up my genetics. And that is really hard for me. No doubt there will be many future posts about just how hard this is for me. But it's not as if we are deciding between having a genetic child and having a donor child, we are deciding between having a child and not having a child. And we choose to have a child.
Well, this decision was made about a month ago, and it was not easy, and I think it will conitnue to not be easy for me. But we are now taking steps down that road.
We have found a quasi-local clinic that had a donor egg program that we can afford. And sometime this weekend I will begin to prepare my body.
I should get AF by Sunday and on that day I begin to take estrogen pills. These pills will essentially suppress my own follicles - much like the Estrogen Priming cycle did - but at the same time the doeage will be calibrated to create a nice thick, plush, lining in my uterus.
This is my mock cycle. This is a similar process to what I will go through on my donor cycle and it's so that the Drs can see how I respond to the meds and what the exact correct dose is to make a nice, safe, warm bed for my future baby to implant.
If all goes well with my mock cycle - I have my fingers crossed - then we can select our donor and begin to sync our cycles. I had a Top 5 list of donors I selected and 1 of them was and is still is available. Meaning she is not currently cycling with someone else. So assuming she's willing to go ahead it will just be a case of waiting for her period and then starting her stims. I will most likely be put on Birth control pills while we wait for her to cycle - and then my period will be induced around the time of hers so that we are then in the same stage of our cycles for the donation.
In essence what will happen is that she will go through the first half of the IVF process and I will go through the second half. She will be stimmed, and monitored, and when her follicles are mature she will be triggered and go for egg retirieval. Then it's my turn. DH's sperm will be injected directly into the donated eggs, and if we get fertilization, the resulting embryos will be grown for several days in the lab. Assuming they grow and survive those first few critical days, we will have 1 of them transferred into me.
I believe we will be opting for whas is called an eSET - which stands for elective Single Embryo Transfer. Meaning no matter how many embryos grow we will probably only transfer 1 this time. Any other embryos will be frozen using a technique called vitrification and we will either try again should this fail - or try for a sibling down the road.
I have 4 fibroids, and 1 of them is 8cm. I am somewhat lucky in that it's in a good place and out of the way, but also unlucky since it's actually part of my uterine wall. There is no way to remove it without serious risk to my uterus and potentially ending any chance at fertility I might ever have. So I am stuck with it until I am done with my uterus. And quite honestly I don't see that happening without some pretty dire circumstances being attached to it - I'm kind of fond of my uterus afterall.
Anyway, the point is that I am already carrying the equivalent of a 12 week pregnancy around in my uterus. And my drs advised me during my last (ill-fated) pregnancy that I will always measure 3 months ahead in any pregnancy. I laughed and said "Even at 9 months" - He didn't laugh and said "Yes".
So I may find even a singleton to be difficult to carry and it may even be that it delivers prematurely either through natural means or through some kind of emergency c-section. Of course I hope not, but since most women don't go to 12months pregnant I'm not sure what my body will do when I get to that stage. So the idea of carrying twins is just not something I'm comfortable with. Since twins have trouble enough making it to full-term this would be almost like carrying triplets - Baby A - Baby B - and Baby F. And although I don't have a philisophical problem with abortion I can't imagine having to make that decision after we've worked so hard to create these babies. Selective reduction brings with it the risk of losing both babies, and of course how do you decide to terminate one when you know your heart truly wants and already loves them both. There's just no way I want to put myself, or my Husband through that. And so we will be choosing to transfer one only. If we end up with twins through a natural split, then so be it, and I will do my best to carry them both, but if we have the choice we will not do that to ourselves.
So - the chances of success with an eSET are a little lower - and that's why so many people transfer 2 or even 3. After so much work and expense and heartache you really REALLY want this to work. For us the cons outweigh the plusses though. And in that way perhaps my decision is easier than many others. I almost feel like I don't have a choice.
Anyway, dark thoughts aside, Donor Eggs flips our dismal chances on their head. Where I once had a 5% chance of success, I know have a 50% chance of success (each cycle!). Where I once had a 50% chance of miscarriange, Inow have the same 10-15% chance that everyone faces.
I feel for the first time in almost 2 years that we WILL be parents. I even feel the unborn soul of my child searching or waiting and have the feeling that this one will be a girl.
I have been pregnant twice before and felt that both were boys. Neither pregnancy lasted long enough to know the gender, but in my heart I felt they were boys. This one has not even been conceived yet but in my heart I know it will be a girl. The feeling came to me about the same time we actually started walking this path and I trust these feeling when I get them.
I will get pregnant and I will have a daughter, and those thoughts fill me with hope and excitement.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Arizona
Last week we were in Arizona. i have wrestled with the question myself many times - what kind of idiot leaves Canada for Arizona in the middle of a heat/drought in July? Well, apparently whatever answer you come up with is exactly the kind of idiot your see before you.
Actually I don't think we ever would have decided to make that trip on our own. Certainly it was not one of our priority hot spots and certainly not in July. But my boss came in one day and said he'd like me to attend a conference. I could take my Hubby along with me and work would pay for an extra couple nights stay if I agreed to go. Well, that was about all it took to get us to Arizona in July.
Before we left I was pretty worried about the heat. We have been having a pretty major, unrelenting heat wave and in the days before our trip I was not handling the heat well. In fact, instead of being on the porch in my skivvies with a cold bevvy I had basically retreated into the house and just sat in the air conditioning all night. Normally I love the heat, I wait for it all year, it's my tine reward for living in the land of ice and snow. So spending my summer evenings camped out on the couch watching TV truly felt like defeat. I was worried that if this is what 34 degrees was doing to me, what would 40 degrees do to me!?!?!
Well to be perfectly honest 40 degrees with no humidex is actually slightly more confortable than 34 degrees with a humidex. Get this - when you sweat the water evaporates off your skin and cools you! Who knew? It's almost like our bodies were designed for this type of heat or something. When you get out of the shower and dry off - you won't believe it but - you end up dry!! If you find a pool of water and dip yourself in it - the water cools you and when you get out the wind on your skin feels cool! WooHOO!!! Who knew?
For those not familiar with a humidex - yes all these things are surprising. When you sweat in the humid north you become sticky and moist and your clothes stick to you and eventually you can't stand yourself anymore. When you shower - well try as you might you can't dry off. You see the towel dries you, but the effort of rubbing it on you body causes you to sweat - see point above about sweating. And water well if you didn't feel sticky and gross before you got in the water you can rest assured that you will feel sticky and gross once you get out.
Humidity truly is a totally different kind of heat and the Arizona heat - though blazing hot - is somewhat easier to take. Add to that the fact they have all but perfected air conditioning and that we were able to spend several of our days away in very little clothing in and around a pool. Well, my fears never manifested and it was a very nice trip.
They kept me quite busy for a couple days - doing the damned work I'd been sent there for - but after that the trip was great! lol. We had the privilege of staying for a week at The Phoenician. It is a lovely hotel and we had an absolutely huge room with an astonishingly large patio. In fact I kept wondering what we supposed to be doing with all that patio. A couple of evening we fell asleep on it under the stars and in the afternoons it was shady enough to be a nice retreat from the sun and heat.
I have pictures, but they will have to be in another post. Speaking of which. I'm going to end this post here and continue on about our trip to Phoenix and Sedona with some pictures over the next couple days.
Actually I don't think we ever would have decided to make that trip on our own. Certainly it was not one of our priority hot spots and certainly not in July. But my boss came in one day and said he'd like me to attend a conference. I could take my Hubby along with me and work would pay for an extra couple nights stay if I agreed to go. Well, that was about all it took to get us to Arizona in July.
Before we left I was pretty worried about the heat. We have been having a pretty major, unrelenting heat wave and in the days before our trip I was not handling the heat well. In fact, instead of being on the porch in my skivvies with a cold bevvy I had basically retreated into the house and just sat in the air conditioning all night. Normally I love the heat, I wait for it all year, it's my tine reward for living in the land of ice and snow. So spending my summer evenings camped out on the couch watching TV truly felt like defeat. I was worried that if this is what 34 degrees was doing to me, what would 40 degrees do to me!?!?!
Well to be perfectly honest 40 degrees with no humidex is actually slightly more confortable than 34 degrees with a humidex. Get this - when you sweat the water evaporates off your skin and cools you! Who knew? It's almost like our bodies were designed for this type of heat or something. When you get out of the shower and dry off - you won't believe it but - you end up dry!! If you find a pool of water and dip yourself in it - the water cools you and when you get out the wind on your skin feels cool! WooHOO!!! Who knew?
For those not familiar with a humidex - yes all these things are surprising. When you sweat in the humid north you become sticky and moist and your clothes stick to you and eventually you can't stand yourself anymore. When you shower - well try as you might you can't dry off. You see the towel dries you, but the effort of rubbing it on you body causes you to sweat - see point above about sweating. And water well if you didn't feel sticky and gross before you got in the water you can rest assured that you will feel sticky and gross once you get out.
Humidity truly is a totally different kind of heat and the Arizona heat - though blazing hot - is somewhat easier to take. Add to that the fact they have all but perfected air conditioning and that we were able to spend several of our days away in very little clothing in and around a pool. Well, my fears never manifested and it was a very nice trip.
They kept me quite busy for a couple days - doing the damned work I'd been sent there for - but after that the trip was great! lol. We had the privilege of staying for a week at The Phoenician. It is a lovely hotel and we had an absolutely huge room with an astonishingly large patio. In fact I kept wondering what we supposed to be doing with all that patio. A couple of evening we fell asleep on it under the stars and in the afternoons it was shady enough to be a nice retreat from the sun and heat.
I have pictures, but they will have to be in another post. Speaking of which. I'm going to end this post here and continue on about our trip to Phoenix and Sedona with some pictures over the next couple days.
Friday, 13 July 2012
Stumbling towards Paleo
Another day - another obsession. I think it's probably overstating things to truly call it an obsession, but the thing on my mind these days is the Paleo diet.
About 10 years ago I lost 70lbs and kept it off from 2000 (when I was losing) until about 2008 when moving in with my (now) Husband and planning a wedding conspired to put that weight back on me.
Four years later - the wedding is over, the fertility struggles are (mostly) behind me and it's time to get healthier and happier. I don't need to be skinny, but I know I'm not happy with my curves (mostly the ones on my belly) at this weight. To be the worlds idea of "normal" weight, I probably need to lose about 100lbs. But to be my happy weight I'd like to lose about 30lbs. That sure seems much more do-able.
I did many things to lose the weight last time and even so it took 2 years to do it. This time I just don't know if hitting the gym 5 times a week for 1/2hr of running, 1/2 hr of weights, and 1/2 hr of cycling is on the agenda. I'm thinking more of walking the dog a little more often and for longer. Perhaps coupled with the occasional (1-2X per week) Zumba class or just a good old fashioned turn-up-the-tunes and boogie in your underwear session.
But the thing I know I need to do is change up my diet. For one thing, I kind of suspect I don't eat enough. I suppose that sounds pretty stupid coming from someone who is 100lbs overweight, but most days I didn't eat breakfast, and about 1/2 the time I didn't eat lunch either. When I did it was either a restaurant I can get to from work or a lean cuisine type frozen entree. And dinner. Well, frankly, despite the fact that I am married to a chef most days - let's say better than 1/2, I didn't eat dinner either. That's not to say I didn't eat at all, just not what you would call dinner. I'd scorunge stuff in the fridge as soon as I got home - because after not eating all day I was pretty hungry.
Cheese and crackers sometimes if I was feeling structured, other than that whatever I could find. I usually have all kinds of chocolate around either from Halloween, Christmas or Easter, so a little of that. Perhaps a handful of some kind of candy that we have around, maybe chips if that's all we have. I really don't know what I'd eat. Frankly we don't buy candy, chips and chocolate all that often, so it really was a scrounge.
Eventually sometimes Hubby would decide to make dinner. If we were having chicken, for expample, that's just what I'd get - chicken. No side dish, no veggies, often not even a sauce or accompaniment - chicken, or pork chop, or whatever it was.
Most of the time my weight is stable. I seldom gain, and usually lose it back within a few days when I do. But I don't lose either - so this weight that crept on, it's just stuck around.
Anyway all that verbosity to simply say I need more structure and a better plan to my eating.
The Paleo diet really appeals to me. It makes sense to me from what I have learned about nutrition. I've always felt that starches and grains are more or less empty calories. I'm not even a really big fan of pasta, rice or potatoes, so for me cutting them out is not that big a sacrifice. But they are such a big part of our lives these days they really are hard to avoid.
For me an eating plan needs to be easy to implement, tasty, filling, easy to follow without having to think about it too hard.
I'm finding Paleo a little challenging on some of those points.
For breakfast I have been having greek yogourt and berries. Berries are seasonal right now so they are plentiful and cheap. I love taking advantage of that - and the big raspberry bush in our backyard. And the greek yogourt, well I can easily buy a tub at the store and work on it all week. So I have about 100grams with a 1tsp of honey and a cup of berries. I find it tasty and filling. But after about 2 weeks of this I'll soon need to switch it up or I'm going to become very bored with my breakfast.
For lunch I did well for 1 week with the lean cuisines. I know they aren't Paleo but they are simple and keep calories low. I figured with breakfast and lunch taken care of I'd focus of planning some dinners. Well that hasn't happened.
I've searched recipes a few times but can't seem to really pull myself together to make a meal plan out of them.
Anyway, the way I am looking at this is a long term switch. Already the changes I've made have resulted in some weight loss, and I would guess that all the berries I've been eating have added nutrients to my body. I'm going to stick with the processed lunches (which I put in the toaster oven instead of microwaving) and continue to try to focus on getting my dinner routine straightened out. Breakfast and lunch are kind in a reasonably acceptable holding pattern. If I can nail dinner then I'll have a reasonable day and I can then focus on improving the lunch situation.
How do other people do it? When do you meal plan? Where do you get your ideas? I'm trying to meal plan on Tuesdays - but who wants to spend a whole evening scouring cookbooks?
For now, it's a work in progress. I could be doing better, but at least I haven't given up.
About 10 years ago I lost 70lbs and kept it off from 2000 (when I was losing) until about 2008 when moving in with my (now) Husband and planning a wedding conspired to put that weight back on me.
Four years later - the wedding is over, the fertility struggles are (mostly) behind me and it's time to get healthier and happier. I don't need to be skinny, but I know I'm not happy with my curves (mostly the ones on my belly) at this weight. To be the worlds idea of "normal" weight, I probably need to lose about 100lbs. But to be my happy weight I'd like to lose about 30lbs. That sure seems much more do-able.
I did many things to lose the weight last time and even so it took 2 years to do it. This time I just don't know if hitting the gym 5 times a week for 1/2hr of running, 1/2 hr of weights, and 1/2 hr of cycling is on the agenda. I'm thinking more of walking the dog a little more often and for longer. Perhaps coupled with the occasional (1-2X per week) Zumba class or just a good old fashioned turn-up-the-tunes and boogie in your underwear session.
But the thing I know I need to do is change up my diet. For one thing, I kind of suspect I don't eat enough. I suppose that sounds pretty stupid coming from someone who is 100lbs overweight, but most days I didn't eat breakfast, and about 1/2 the time I didn't eat lunch either. When I did it was either a restaurant I can get to from work or a lean cuisine type frozen entree. And dinner. Well, frankly, despite the fact that I am married to a chef most days - let's say better than 1/2, I didn't eat dinner either. That's not to say I didn't eat at all, just not what you would call dinner. I'd scorunge stuff in the fridge as soon as I got home - because after not eating all day I was pretty hungry.
Cheese and crackers sometimes if I was feeling structured, other than that whatever I could find. I usually have all kinds of chocolate around either from Halloween, Christmas or Easter, so a little of that. Perhaps a handful of some kind of candy that we have around, maybe chips if that's all we have. I really don't know what I'd eat. Frankly we don't buy candy, chips and chocolate all that often, so it really was a scrounge.
Eventually sometimes Hubby would decide to make dinner. If we were having chicken, for expample, that's just what I'd get - chicken. No side dish, no veggies, often not even a sauce or accompaniment - chicken, or pork chop, or whatever it was.
Most of the time my weight is stable. I seldom gain, and usually lose it back within a few days when I do. But I don't lose either - so this weight that crept on, it's just stuck around.
Anyway all that verbosity to simply say I need more structure and a better plan to my eating.
The Paleo diet really appeals to me. It makes sense to me from what I have learned about nutrition. I've always felt that starches and grains are more or less empty calories. I'm not even a really big fan of pasta, rice or potatoes, so for me cutting them out is not that big a sacrifice. But they are such a big part of our lives these days they really are hard to avoid.
For me an eating plan needs to be easy to implement, tasty, filling, easy to follow without having to think about it too hard.
I'm finding Paleo a little challenging on some of those points.
For breakfast I have been having greek yogourt and berries. Berries are seasonal right now so they are plentiful and cheap. I love taking advantage of that - and the big raspberry bush in our backyard. And the greek yogourt, well I can easily buy a tub at the store and work on it all week. So I have about 100grams with a 1tsp of honey and a cup of berries. I find it tasty and filling. But after about 2 weeks of this I'll soon need to switch it up or I'm going to become very bored with my breakfast.
For lunch I did well for 1 week with the lean cuisines. I know they aren't Paleo but they are simple and keep calories low. I figured with breakfast and lunch taken care of I'd focus of planning some dinners. Well that hasn't happened.
I've searched recipes a few times but can't seem to really pull myself together to make a meal plan out of them.
Anyway, the way I am looking at this is a long term switch. Already the changes I've made have resulted in some weight loss, and I would guess that all the berries I've been eating have added nutrients to my body. I'm going to stick with the processed lunches (which I put in the toaster oven instead of microwaving) and continue to try to focus on getting my dinner routine straightened out. Breakfast and lunch are kind in a reasonably acceptable holding pattern. If I can nail dinner then I'll have a reasonable day and I can then focus on improving the lunch situation.
How do other people do it? When do you meal plan? Where do you get your ideas? I'm trying to meal plan on Tuesdays - but who wants to spend a whole evening scouring cookbooks?
For now, it's a work in progress. I could be doing better, but at least I haven't given up.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
DIY Scubbing Bubbles - been there, pinned that
Alright, so on with the new stuff. I've been addicted to Pinterest lately (who hasn't) and last night I tried a Pinterest creation.
My bathtub was disgusting. I hate cleaning, but the Flylady has helped me a lot with that. But still my bathtub had become terribly neglected. I tried to incorporate it into my "swish and swipe" routine for a couple days, and I made a bit of a dent, but there was a lot of scrubbing involved. I'd try to clean a small section at a time so I stayed within the 2-4 minute swish and swipe timeframe. But the lack of real progress and the scrubbing and sweating was getting me down.
So yesterday I saw a pin that I've seen floating around for a while and decided to try it myself. I guess you could call it DIY Scrubbing Bubbles. The recipe is:
1 part Blue Dawn dishwashing detergent (I don't know whythe blue but everyone uses that one)
1 part Vinegar, warmed in the microwave (I put mine on for 1 minute)
Pour both into a spray bottle - shake to mix and then go to town on your stubborn soap scum and body oils stain.
In my case I sprayed the tub liberally just before bed. I intended to let it soak overnight, but about 5 minutes later I went in for a test wipe. The grunge came of in that swipe. So I re-sprayed the spot, since the edges of the swipe were still grungy and went to bed. This morning I went to wipe it off, but it had dried quite thoroughly. So I ran the tub, soaked my rag and started to wipe.
Other have said "no scrubbing at all" just a wipe will do it. Well, perhaps it's a measure of just how gross and grungy my tub was but my grunge took 3 wipes and two of those wipes came close to scrubbing pressure. But - 3 quick wipes and all the grunge was gone!! I have to say it worked as well as everyone says.
My tub really does require what you would call scrubbing. But this morning, some presusre on the rag (maybe call it a light scrub) and all the grossness came right off. I am soooooooo pleased!! My tub looks great, it was fast - less than 5 minutes - and I still have tonnes of the stuff left in the little bottle I made up. So it scores high on cheapness too.
And without further ado - my pic which I will be pinning in my brand new "I made this" type pin board.
Okay it's not very exciting looking. But there's the blue stuff in the spray bottle sitting in my newly clean and even reflective!! bathtub (please excuse the little bit of rust I see coming off the jet to the right, it's amazing what a little photo zoom will pick up) But it might give you an indication of just how gross the tub was before pinterest saved me.
My bathtub was disgusting. I hate cleaning, but the Flylady has helped me a lot with that. But still my bathtub had become terribly neglected. I tried to incorporate it into my "swish and swipe" routine for a couple days, and I made a bit of a dent, but there was a lot of scrubbing involved. I'd try to clean a small section at a time so I stayed within the 2-4 minute swish and swipe timeframe. But the lack of real progress and the scrubbing and sweating was getting me down.
So yesterday I saw a pin that I've seen floating around for a while and decided to try it myself. I guess you could call it DIY Scrubbing Bubbles. The recipe is:
1 part Blue Dawn dishwashing detergent (I don't know whythe blue but everyone uses that one)
1 part Vinegar, warmed in the microwave (I put mine on for 1 minute)
Pour both into a spray bottle - shake to mix and then go to town on your stubborn soap scum and body oils stain.
In my case I sprayed the tub liberally just before bed. I intended to let it soak overnight, but about 5 minutes later I went in for a test wipe. The grunge came of in that swipe. So I re-sprayed the spot, since the edges of the swipe were still grungy and went to bed. This morning I went to wipe it off, but it had dried quite thoroughly. So I ran the tub, soaked my rag and started to wipe.
Other have said "no scrubbing at all" just a wipe will do it. Well, perhaps it's a measure of just how gross and grungy my tub was but my grunge took 3 wipes and two of those wipes came close to scrubbing pressure. But - 3 quick wipes and all the grunge was gone!! I have to say it worked as well as everyone says.
My tub really does require what you would call scrubbing. But this morning, some presusre on the rag (maybe call it a light scrub) and all the grossness came right off. I am soooooooo pleased!! My tub looks great, it was fast - less than 5 minutes - and I still have tonnes of the stuff left in the little bottle I made up. So it scores high on cheapness too.
And without further ado - my pic which I will be pinning in my brand new "I made this" type pin board.
Okay it's not very exciting looking. But there's the blue stuff in the spray bottle sitting in my newly clean and even reflective!! bathtub (please excuse the little bit of rust I see coming off the jet to the right, it's amazing what a little photo zoom will pick up) But it might give you an indication of just how gross the tub was before pinterest saved me.
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